U of Me

So, if you haven’t heard, I’ve been accepted to the School of Information at the University of Michigan. I was pretty excited at the prospect prior to my acceptance, but my feelings have since diminished to indifference and lately, to reluctance.
It’s mostly the price tag. Because of my current residence abroad, U of M has me branded as out-of-state, doubling tuition. I intend to file for Michigan residency soon, though even then—the 50k for tuition and fees is intimidating. I’ve managed to squirrel away a healthy sum in my two years in Korea. It’s comforting to know that whatever I do, that money is there. It’s more than I’ve ever had in my life, and if there’s one thing my dad taught me it’s to be frugal. I realize that school is an investment but I’m not even sure if this is the right step for me. What if I’m not cut out to be an IT professional? What if I can’t hack it as a grad student? What if the other kids don’t like me?

I’m keenly aware of general criticisms of graduate school. I know people who have studied for two years, dug themselves deep into debt, only to return to Korea for another contract or work in a coffee shop / Border’s / a library at home. This is precisely why I shrugged my English-Sociology degree and chose a semi-technical program with a high job placement rate.

Then there’s the fact that the School of Information has one of the highest applicant acceptance rates of any grad program at U of M. I recognize how competitive some of the other programs are, like law and medicine, which are some of the best in the country. I suppose what it really comes down to—and here comes a pathetic statement—I question the quality of an institution that accepts an average bloke like me. Now I know what you’re saying, and that’s either “You’re not average! You’re super awesome!” or “I have no idea who you are, but you sound depressingly mediocre to me.” Toss the international experience, and on paper, I’m just another white male in his mid-20s trying to save the world.

Then there’s the question that you’re asking and I ask myself all the time, and that’s “What the crap is the School of Information?? Do you wanna be a librarian??” No, librarianship doesn’t interest me as a vocation. SI, as I understand, studies the digitization, transmission, presentation and accessibility of all information, from stupid blogs like this one to scholarly sources. SI offers nine specializations including librarianship and another one called Social Computing that’s concerned with the study of sites like Facebook. No, really. From the outset, it appears SI is a watered-downed version of computer science, blending humanities with information technology. It appeals to my liberal arts / watered-down background.

Then there’s the much larger, more personal obstacle that has nothing to do with SI or U of M. My roots have begun to take hold in Asia. I am, despite my idiotic boss, unfulfilling job, lack of friends and mounting disdain for the culture, quite comfortable here. Three and half years spent anywhere is bound to change a person, and anyone who’s spent even a few months abroad knows what I’m talking about. Asia empowers the average white man. Walk anywhere in Seoul and you’ll see greasy obese honkeys walking with stunningly beautiful Korean girls. Wherever a honkey goes here, he’s noticed and often accorded special respect. Honkeys make friends easily, stand out and are recognized for being different. I admit this is an attractive notion to me. I’m an experienced imperialist, and as such I understand the correlation between the time a foreigner spends in Asia and a foreigner’s self-doubt. The longer one lives here, the more evident their insecurity becomes. It’s the “push-pull” factor I’ve mentioned so many times before. Expats might be initially pulled to Korea by the thrill of travel or a chance to pay off student loans, but eventually they are pushed to Korea by a desire to feel more attractive, interesting and skilled than they are perceived in their home countries. I think of these things as I consider working in Japan for a year.

Yet, I am compelled to live in the real world, whatever that is. U of M seems like a ticket there, and although I have only a vague idea of what I want to achieve, more people than not tell me that grad school is good. Honestly, I don’t really miss home, miss people or even Pillsbury cookie dough any more. I cannot miss what I seek because I’ve never had it, and that’s vision. I’m hoping that school will show me what I want, or at least, what I don’t want. So here’s hoping.